xoxo.

I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to move on when the one you love walks away from you. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.— Neil Gaiman

wait it out.

so the new imogen heap cd has finally come out, and i must say it is amazing. sheesh it should be after waiting for 2 years. anyways...

not much is new, my mom picked colors to paint the room, i finally got all the wallpaper off the walls. i've been hanging at home daily i dont feel motivated to get all dressed up and go anywhere. but i did clean my room, it took 3 hours and about 75 hangers to hang all the clothes that were thrown around my room. im just ready to feel comfy in my room and hang my art on the walls and put all my books on the shelves... idk. right now it feels like im living in a hotel, not all moved in and stuff and its been over 5 months!

i feel like im getting bigger daily. its weird, i don't like gaining weight but i can't really help it ya know.

someone asked me how old i was the other day, and i sat there for a minute and completely forgot. at first i said 19 and then i was like wait? no im not, am i? i completly forgot that im 20 haha. sounds stupid but it doesnt feel any different, i just feel behind in what i want to do with my life. but i know it will all work out accordingly.

lately days seem like hours. i look at the calendar thinking its monday and its already saturday. time is flying by which is good i guess but it also quite scary to think that after that one day everything will be over and i will have to pick everything up and start my life over. not pick up where i left off, because i don't want to be that person anymore. but start to reinvent myself so i can be a better person and actually go after my dreams and not get distracted. i hate distractions, they always come at the "best" times don't they...

right now i really want some cheese pizza and some cheesecake. im done writing, my brain is going haywire. im going to read...

music.

lately, i have been jamming...
death cab.
alot of the twilight soundtrack.
alot of the elizabethtown soundtrack.
and jason reeves.

i have found out, the reason i love both twilight and elizabethtown, is because of not only the stories but the music that is played during the movies.
i have many other favorite movies, but the music used in them are just not even comparable.
music effects your mood, your soul.
:)

my random ramble for the day.

is it weird?

that i have found certain things that i want coordinated into my wedding.
which let me remind you is no where in the near future. prince charming has not even showed up yet. haha.
anyways, i found the song i wanna walk down the aisle to.
what i wanna have my first dance to.
and how i want some of the reception decorated.

i told my mom once i finish paying off the last of my credit card i am going to start a savings account which will be solely for my wedding, i wanna be able to have no budget when it comes to things like my dress or the location. may sound crazy to some people but i think its pretty smart.
(even if i put 5 bucks in a week it would still be something)

what triggered all this wedding talk, is the show "say yes to the dress" and of my childhood friends Nia is getting married. yes she is only 2o but she has met the love of her life and i am soooo happy for her. i can not wait for that to be me... yes i can and will wait but you know what im saying.

off to watch twilight for about the 6th time in 3 days. :)

i dont wanna miss you more then i already do...

wow, i have definitely been slacking on the whole writing/blogging.
i have been writing in my journal thought which is a plus. Not much has changed or happened. Virginia and her family came down last week and i got to spend alot of time with them which was great. Aj and i sort of came to some common ground, i mean we have to atleast stay civil because we will be connected for the rest of our lives whether we like it or not... to be honest its not about us, its about someone else and we just have to focus on that.
I would like to say that i have been quite "strong" through this whole process, i dont really cry, even if i am completely depressed i try and not show anyone, i would rather everyone think that i am doing perfectly fine. But lately i can't help but cry. There is so much i feel like i need to say, i feel like there is sooo much i should be doing, that i am slacking or wasting time... i don't think i can even write about it without breaking down. so subject change.

i keep pressing fast forward and picturing my life 8 or 9 years from now, after i have done all the traveling that i desire. in the house of my dreams with my family, planting flowers in my flower bed, rearranging my furniture, taking painting lessons, writing my book, and just being stable and content. it may seem weird to say but i want it so badly. i just want stability and consistency. my life currently is full of the complete opposite. i have never been down this road, and it's like im running full speed with a blind fold on. i pray that God knows what he is doing with me. i pray he will speak to me and give me peace.

i will never be the same person i was, my life is forever changed.

there is so much more i need to say, but right now i just don't know how...