anxious is an understatement.
i dont wanna get myself worked up if i dont end up having him tomorrow, but at the same time i feel like i can barely breathe i am so nervous.


i finished up the financial aid part of the school crap, applied for a loan and now i just have to get my classes and books.

yada yada yada.
off to eat dinner w my momma.

today.

has been very productive. it is 3 days from thanksgiving.
i went to the doctor this morning and he said everything was looking good except my bp(bloodpressure) was a little high and i had protein in my urine. my response was "what in the world does that mean?!" he said its early signs of preclampsia, which i had NO clue what that was either. but needless to say i have to go back wednesday at 8:30 to check my bp and urine and if it has increased then he will induce me that day!! that is the day before thanksgiving! i am not prepared for that. i feel like someone has thrown me on stage, cranked up the music, and said free-style for 30 minutes...oh and you will be judged! maybe that was a bad analogy. oh well, my brain isnt working correctly lately.
and to top it all off my feet are completely swollen, sounds dumb i know. but its almost to the point where i can not walk. i would post a picture but im honestly too embarassed haha.

so today i finished filling out my fafsa and got all of that taken care of. now i just have to apply for a tiny student loan. and i start my classes on DECEMBER 28TH!!! holy cow, i am excited yet nervous. i am only taking two classes to start off with and the classes are 9wks long & all online which is perfect since Luke will be here any day.

so today i had a dr apt., registered for school, and got out the christmas decorations. oh and im making a mix for the hospital. music to keep me relaxed and in the zone so i dont freak out.
-so far it consists of: michael buble, new moon soundtrack, new john mayer stuff, leona lewis, snow patrol, coldplay, and some of the elizabethtown soundtrack.

im sooo excited, amanda comes to texas tomorrow!!!! yay.

Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once, just once, understand.

— Sarah Otto

Nothing has turned out as we expected! It never does. Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it’s no worse than it is.

— Gone with the Wind

Did you ever notice that people give up on love as they get older? When you’re a little girl, all you want to do is fall in love. Then when you’re a teenager, every guy you meet you think is ‘the one’. Then when you’re an adult and you have been hurt from the breakups as a teen, you’re not interested in love anymore. You just don’t want to be alone, so you settle for someone you might even know isn’t your soul mate. I know so many adults that aren’t truly where they want to be. I just try to think about what they might have went through to make them settle for second best, and I hope that doesn’t happen to me.

You changed my life. You changed my life, and I’ve known you four days. This is the start of something really big, but right now, I gotta go.

— garden state

I understand the impulse: the impulse to want to put out your hand and want someone to be there at the end of your reach. To want someone to be close to. To want to kiss or touch, even if it’s wrong. The point is, you can’t control these feelings. Even if they’re wrong, they’re still there.

friday.

less than two weeks.
its november, a week away from thanksgiving! time is going by so fast. i love this time of the year. the weather, lights, leaves, decorations, music, food, cookies, presents, and this year i will be getting an extra special gift.
when i stop and actually think about it i get scared out of my mind!! i mean i'm a mom now, i have a son! it just sounds so crazy. it is a ton of responsibility, and i pray everyday that God guides me with my decisions to make this little boy the most respectful, happy & loving lil guy out there.
anyways........
i go to the doctor monday and he should tell me when its looking like it will all happen(if that sentence made any sense haha)

monday- doctor apt.
tuesday-amanda is coming in town!!!
wednesday- prep'n all the food for thanksgiving & new moon!!!!
thursday- thanksgiving with all the fam & friends.
friday- no plans yet, but im sure hang with amanda &/or katie since they are both in town.
saturday- cutting our christmas tree down<3

the past couple of days i have been waking up at like 6am and staying up till like 7am. it is soooo annoying. im already not sleeping well and then being disturbed by the lil sis getting ready for school. i try to be nice but it just gets annoying all of her energy and socks in the bathroom floor & then the dog barking. haha now im just being a moody pregnant lady.

i swear this kid is a insomniac. he never sleeps. it's like he is judeeey chopping me all the stinking time!

sorry if this entry is random, i have a bad case of ADD right now.

I’m not scared of losing him because, let’s be honest here, I never had him to begin with. I’m just scared of living the rest of my life knowing I didn’t tell him how I felt, wondering if he felt the same way. Rejection says I tried, regret leaves me with nothing but ‘what if’s’ for the rest of my life.

I like that you ramble when you’re nervous. I like that I know that you ramble when you’re nervous. I like that I still make you nervous.

— Dawson’s Creek

somedays i feel as if there is too much that i wish to do with my life. as if the dreams i dream are somewhat only dreams. i want more than anything to be more than a dreamer, i want to accomplish everything i set my mind to. i want to make beautiful music, see amazing places, make life long friends, i want to eat wonderful food, and dance elegant dances… yet it all seems so far away. the life i live is nothing extraordinary, most days i stay at home in sweats and listen to music. what to do now? now that everything seems to be out of place, and making no sense at all. all i know is that music is what keeps me going, without beautiful songs and pieces and hope of finding love i would be lost…-jrichards

She’s been everybody else’s girl…maybe one day she’ll be her own.

— Tori Amos

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.

— Ernest Hemingway

It’s not okay because he made me laugh. Because I didn’t have to pretend to be anything other than who I am when I was with him. Because I don’t believe that stuff about finding your other half, but because I do believe that what you look for is someone who makes you a better person when you’re with them, who changes you for the better, who makes you the best person you can possibly be, and because I thought I had found that in [him].

— Mr. Maybe by Jane Green

I won’t call again, I promise, but I need to see you face to face… because I’m never as good as when you’re there…and I can see myself the way you look at me. And I’m sorry. If we could just get together and find some time to talk. Lets say all the things we never said.

— - Almost Famous

She was not happy and she was tired of pretending. If she left, she could become whomever she wanted. She could reinvent herself. She could come back to a changed world because she would be a changed person who no longer needed the masks she wore.

— Doris and Andrea Smeltzer, “Andrea’s Voice”

It’s when you hold eye contact for that second too long or maybe the way you laugh. It sets off a flash and our memories take a picture of who we are at that point when we first know “This is love.” And we clutch that picture to our hearts because we expect each other to always be the people in that picture. But people change. People aren’t pictures. And you can either take a new picture or throw the old one away.

— I Wrote This For You

Write it on your heart that each day is the best day of the year.

— Emerson

Accept everything about yourself, I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end, no apologizes, no regrets.

— Clark Moustakas

If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Oh sure, it seems obvious now, but you’d be amazed at how many people don’t think of it when it’s relevent. Seriously, just punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

— chuck klosterman

Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

— Good Will Hunting

Missing someone isn’t about how long it has been since you have seen them or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that very moment when you’re doing something and you wish that they were right there with you.

I have wasted thousands of kisses on you… kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you didn’t mean any of it. You just save it all for your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.

— That Thing You Do

Because some people hang on when they should really let go.

blank?

i don't know how to explain how i'm feeling right now.
i don't even know how to sort the feelings im feeling.
anxious.mad.depressed.lonely.strong.excited.hesitant. & those are just a few.
anyways, i have been listening to john mayer's new album, and i am completely in love.
it is a soft/mellow/love-filled album.
currently my favorite track is "edge of desire" the lyrics are wonderful.

also, here are some random quotes. enjoi


There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.

— Elizabeth Gilbert

You became what you thought everyone wanted you to be. But that’s not who you are. And that’s who I wish you were.

— I Wrote This For You

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?

— Alice In Wonderland

Her face was as lovely as the first rain of the summer; her heart could hold gently the pain of the world.

— Jodi Picoult

Don’t you dare tell me nothing matters. Everything matters. Every fucking drop of rain, every ray of sunlight, every wisp of cloud matters and they matter because I can see them and if I can see them then they can see me and I know that there’s an entire world that cares out there, hiding behind a world that doesn’t, afraid to show who it really is and with or without you, I will drag that world out of the dirt and the blood and the muck until we live in it. Until we all live in it.

— I Wrote This For You

I laughed and said, “Life is easy.” What I meant was, Life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again.

— Miranda July



You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
- Dr Suess

It is strange to think, I haven’t seen you since a month. I have seen the new moon, but not you. I have seen sunsets and sunrises, but nothing of your beautiful face. The pieces of my broken heart are so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle. I miss you like the sun misses the flower; like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.

— A Knight’s Tale



She’s not like that now. She knows better . She knows now that people lie , and promises can be broken as quick as they are made . She understands that she might never be loved , and too quickly good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out and grab them . She knows that you can’t change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn’t a place for everyone in the world, so if you’re standing alone for awhile, that’s why. Not everything in life comes easy , but when you work the hardest, that’s when it’s the best . You can’t always expect people to care, and even when your best friends stab you in the front, don’t think for one minute that they didn’t already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. She has found out to soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend . Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not , its gonna hurt like hell . But you can’t stop it. You can’t change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge . You don’t know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words ‘Life’ and ‘Risk’ won’t mean anything to you anymore. But don’t try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on you . And that happens because that’s the way it supposed to be . But you’ll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But it might catch you off guard and happen sooner.

Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am… but most of all, I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I’m with you.

— Dirty Dancing

Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

— Sarah Ban Breathnach

I’m just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind.

— Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart, I’ll always be with you.

— Christopher Robin

But just because they dont feel it too, doesn’t mean that you have to forget.

— Regina Spektor

hope for the hopeless.

so today marks 35 weeks. every morning i wake up hoping that today will be the day...but i guess he will come when he is ready. if i can be 100% honest, i'm excited but not in the way that i should be. i am excited to wear normal clothes, to actually be able to breathe, to not have to pee every 5 minutes. i mean don't get me wrong i am excited to meet the lil bug, i cant wait to actually hold him in my hands. but it is all surreal and a bit overwhelming. but i try not to dwell, i have put it all in God's hands and he is going to take care of it.

lately i have been really wanting to roadtrip or travel, not sure if its cause i've been couped up in this house. but i miss taking polaroids and driving with the windows down and the beach. part of me says "oh you will never get to do those things again" but i have to remind myself that my life is not over, its just starting down another path...

i'm ready to be done with school so i can be teaching, supporting myself and chasing my dreams with my lil guy :)

i have found myself lately "wanting" love...and then i catch myself and say oh lord no i dont! i dont want to be "dependent" on another person, i am not ready to let anyone in to not only my life but to Luke's life also. none of us want to be alone so we all go through these spells of being lonely, but i just have to stay strong cause i know in the end, the years and months of me being single and waiting will be worth it. God will send the perfect person, in his own timing.

i tell myself every morning that there is nothing to worry about, that everything is in his hands and he will take good care of us, and i honestly do believe that. i am so grateful for my amazingly supportive family. even when i get annoyed they are still there encouraging me. one day i will take my parents on a trip and repay them for everything :)